Life is all about relationships.

Relationships at work, in particular, can be tricky if we don’t have a firm understanding of our own feelings surrounding our want and needs – this is where it can become difficult to communicate with others.

For example, a director decides to share some important news in a departmental meeting. Immediately upon sharing, one person reacts out loud firing question after question, two people start ‘eye talking’ across the room, and another person sits in silence.

The way people express their emotions through verbal and nonverbal communication tells us a lot about their preferences and often what makes them feel comfortable. It can be hard to understand our own emotions never mind the people around us.

That’s when this cool theory of emotional intelligence comes into play.

We’re here to de-mystify and deconstruct what it takes to have a strong emotional intelligence and why it’s important to have as a student affairs professional. So whether you’re spending the day with someone special or solo, we’ve collected some of the best resources for you to reflect on this Valentine’s Day!

What is Emotional Intelligence (EQ)?

According to Psychology Today, emotional intelligence is the ability to reflect on and manage your own emotions and help to identify the emotions of others. By developing or strengthening these emotional intelligence characteristics student affairs professionals become better leaders in the workplace:

1. Emotional awareness, including the ability to identify your own emotions and those of others

2. The ability to harness emotions and apply them to tasks like thinking and problems solving

3. The ability to manage emotions, including the ability to regulate your own emotions, and the ability to cheer up or calm down another person

Emotional intelligence is a crucial skill to have when working with students, leading teams, and considering hiring new people.

What are some other reasons you should care about your own emotional intelligence? Well…

Virginia Commonwealth University studied how emotional intelligence predicts job performance. By analyzing our own emotions in the workplace and understand how we react to situations, we become more mindful of how our actions effect others.

FastCompany published an article about why emotionally intelligent people are more successful. They highlighted a study by McClelland in 1999 focused on how supervisors in a manufacturing plant were introduced to a training on emotional competencies, which included listening to the people they directly managed. After the training, they noticed that manufacturing accidents decreased by 50% while grievances of the workers reduced from 15 to 3 per year. Workers wanted managers who listened to them and took time to show an ethic of care to feel supported at work.

MindTools, a company focused on helping others improve on leadership skills and managerial techniques, gives a quick overview of why emotional intelligence is so important in the workplace. They give an overview of the five most important characteristics of EI that many leaders possess:

How to Become More Emotionally Intelligent

Studying and reflecting on our own emotional intelligence should be a part of hiring practices, professional development trainings, and incorporated into work; it changes the way we view ourselves and how we interact with others.

To become more emotionally intelligent, we must understand our own emotions.

Self-evaluation is one of the best ways to be honest with ourselves about strengths and weaknesses. Communicating these to our co-workers, supervisors, or people we manage helps us. We create authentic relationships based on open communication about where we need to improve while maximizing critical skills to help us be better leaders in the workplace.

Start with this quiz created by The Harvard Business Review called Do You Lead with Emotional Intelligence? based on Daniel Goldman’s book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. It can give you a basic glimpse of your own emotional intelligence and how to gain appropriate feedback from others.

Here’s a quick SlideShare from HubSpot outlining core tenets of emotional intelligence:

When do we have time to analyze our own emotions? There are a few ways to weave in simple practices to boost EQ.

1) Make time to journal.

Writing down a list of emotions, of how you feel throughout the day, can boost your emotional intelligence. You receive bad news from your supervisor – or you found out you’ve been promoted! Writing down how you feel in the moment over the course of days or weeks can help you identify how your emotions impact your work.

The more things you understand and know about yourself, the more you may notice your attitude changing. Through journaling, we understand our values which helps us makes decisions about life and work more easily.

2) Ask relevant questions to colleagues and actually listen.

Don’t ask questions for the sake of asking questions to make it seem like you’re interested. Ask questions to clarify and understand.

Here are questions to ask colleagues to gather more information about a situation they may feel passionate about (try practicing in front of a mirror first). This shows that you’re genuinely interested in the development of their leadership characteristics and career in general.

– How can I help you (with project, task, etc)? 

– Which project means the most to you right now? 

– What kind of challenges do you experience in your role? 

– Tell me about your day. 

Ask yourself these questions. Reflect on how others can help you in your role and use strengths on your team collectively to help you gain a better understanding of your emotional intelligence.

3) Reflect on how situations impact your productivity.

A few negative situations happened at the beginning of your day. You can choose to let these negative moments define your day, or briefly be reflective of how they have impacted your emotions, accept your emotions, and move on with tasks you originally had planned out.

How you react to things is representative of your leadership qualities and if you choose to let every negative situation impact your emotions, you, in turn, will radiate negative emotions overall.

The Art of Letting Go

People who exhibit high EI are known for forgiving others easily and letting go of the past. They are focused on continually learning and making the best of every situation. If they found themselves upset or hurt, they honor their emotions and take time to learn from others. Strengthening emotional intelligence develops a way for professionals to deal with emotions in-the-moment and build a strong team through effective communication.